Introverts are offered keys to private gardens full of riches

being introverted in a an extroverted society

“Introverts are offered keys to private gardens full of riches.”

I just got my key, yall.

I wish this was my quote, but it’s from Susan Cain’s book, Quite: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking. Shout-out to my career coach, who after 3 sessions with me, said Ruth you should probably read this.

I have never felt more seen, validated, and empowered. Before reading this book, I often felt I didn’t fit in certain places, wasn’t likable, and didn’t have the personality to thrive in our world. And I generally thought introversion was a weakness

I have forced myself to do a lot of things to seem extroverted and fit into what I thought was the norm of being a leader, a good employee, a good friend, a good everything…..I used to think I wouldn’t be remembered or have any sort of impact on the world by being an introvert. I have literally done everything in my power to get away from it. It has caused me immense pain. 

A quick note: I’m going to be referencing a lot of things about what’s said in the book, so if you want to read it without knowing these things in advance, I’d stop reading the rest of this post. 

Susan does a deep dive into the history and context of Introversion/Extroversion in the U.S. I won’t go into the details here, but for MANY reasons being extroverted has been OVERLY valued, celebrated, and encouraged. That means children and adults who are introverted have been made to feel like there is something wrong with them, that there isn’t room for their talents, strengths, and ways of engaging with the world. Susan says that introverts tend to have the following traits:

• more introspective and often need to be alone to recharge

• highly active amygdala (the part of the brain that processes emotions): they tend to feel and process more emotions and are more prone to anxiety.

• are more sensitive to external stimuli

• have a tendency for deep analysis

• have great concentration and can focus on one task at a time

• might prefer to work independently.

The big reason my coach mentioned this book to me is because I’ve been noticing at work a lot of ways that I process information differently, engage differently, respond to stimulus, and have very specific needs that have been ignored in a way. She asked me about my school experience and it was very similar. I didn’t like competitive activities or debating. I didn’t like being unexpectedly called on to answer a question. I always got the comment on my report card, “I’d like Ruth to speak up more in class.” but that's not how I participated. I gave eye contact, I took notes, and I did my homework. I was a quiet student that was made to feel inadequate because school doesn’t cater to introverted children. 

I am someone who prefers to give written feedback (no surprise here) as opposed to oral. I also need time to reflect and pause before responding to new information, in fact sometimes I need that information repeated to me multiple times and in different ways. I need to digest the information slowly. It’s also challenging for me to speak up in a room where people are talking nonstop and there is no natural pause in the conversation. Especially in meetings where lots of things are going on or many people are talking, the topics change quickly, I often get overwhelmed and anxious pretty quickly and I stop engaging. I much prefer one on one or small group conversations. 

My office is a mix of an open floor plan and some shared offices. There are cubicles (that I used to sit in), shared offices, and private ones. The people with the big salaries get private offices (please read this in a resentful, annoyed tone). Anyway, I share an office with two other people. One is talkative and the other is similar to me. But people will walk into our office at any time and just start talking and sometimes it’s about heavy stuff (this is another blog post lol). The amount of private space has become more and more limited. The office space doesn’t work for me in many ways but I have sucked it up. 

Let’s talk about leadership. Susan talks a lot about what we think the personalities of leaders should be and it doesn’t leave room for a RANGE of potential qualities. I’ve had many assumptions about what good leaders should look like and they include:

• Taking up a lot space

• Talking a lot

• Being quick on your feet

• Being bold and saying things clearly and confidently

• Participating and engaging in public facing activities and events

• Direct and Assertive, handles conflict well and it doesn’t bother them

Turns out introverts have a host of qualities that make them amazing leaders (and maybe even more successful than leaders who are extroverted). Susan says that introverts are better at assessing risks and making more informed, thoughtful decisions. We are less likely to make rash decisions. Introverts are also more creative–because we enjoy being alone, solitude provides us with the space for creativity. High levels of creativity can help people come up with better ideas more regularly, and find unique solutions to problems. Introverts also tend to be better at solving problems since we often process information more carefully than other people.

It has only been within the past 6-8 months that I’ve deemed myself a leader, and a good one at that. Thank you to those in my community who have been telling me, but I just didn’t see it until now. 

The last, and maybe even the most important, part for me to share is that introverts tend to be highly sensitive people (not all are and some extroverts can be as well). I have been incredibly sensitive my whole life–that means I pick up and soap up all the many many things happening around me and to me. I am incredibly in-tune to my environment. If someone says or does something that hurts my feelings,  I internalize it and will probably never “get” over it or at least not for a long time. I tend to be in tune with other people’s energy and emotions very easily and depending on that, I start to actually feel what they are feeling in ways that become very draining.  I have a deep sensitivity to the physical, emotional and social situations that I experience. 

I have been told by many people around me to “get over it”, “stop being sensitive”, and people I love and care about have made me feel like my emotions and feelings do not matter. I am here to say that they do and being a highly sensitive person, while it’s difficult to manage, is a gift I would never EVER take away from myself. It’s given me the ability to have deep, quality relationships, be empathetic and supportive, and care a lot about the world. I am compassionate and loving in ways others tend to not be and people feel safe around me. I care so much about how I make people feel. If that’s a bad thing, there is something wrong with our society and not me. I urge you to rethink the way you label and judge highly sensitive people—without them, I’m not sure where we would be.

If you are in any way introverted, go find your keys to that garden full of riches.