Don't make it awkward

how I've handled and understood awkwardness

I strive to not be awkward or experience awkwardness with others. 

I liken this exacerbated feeling to when someone is walking towards you so you move to the other side but then they move to that side. then you move again and they move and you both feel embarrassed and annoyed and silly and yet it cannot be avoided. 

Socially. In public. With friends and acquaintances and coworkers. It drains me…..I have to get ready for performing and it must be perfect or I might feel something. Something that feels off. Something that’s embarrassing. feel misunderstood. Feel shame. Feel judgment. Feel annoyed. Frustration. 

I strive to have perfect interactions. Interactions that are calm, easy, and nice.

If someone cuts me off while walking or almost runs into me, I get really angry. You can hear me sigh out loud or roll my eyes.

If someone’s holding the door for me and I’m still far, questions roll through my mind. do I speed up? Can I ignore it and let the door fall back? Will they be mad?

Someone sees me and says how are you doing? What do I say? Do I just say hi? Do I say, good how are you and wait for their response?

If a waiter doesn’t understand my order 
If I need a minute to think before deciding something
Did I make enough eye contact?
A pause in a conversation
A change in a facial expression

Farmer’s markets are fertile awkward ground.
Do I walk slow or fast? Do I have to buy that thing I keep looking at?
How responsible am I for the person behind me trying to go where they want to go?
If I’m the only one at a stand, can I resist the quiet pressure to buy something?
I can’t get my credit card out fast enough and now the line is getting longer, and people are sighing behind me. 
I see the individual with the clipboard (used to be one of them). They want my contact info so I can get on their list. So I can support their cause. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid. Take a different route. Say you don’t live here. Don’t make eye contact. Say no?

Used to feel so much embarrassment or anxiety when my partner speaks. What if he asks too many questions? What if he doesn’t make a joke people like? What if it doesn’t sound liberal enough?

hosting a gathering is also where I feel things have to be perfect or go perfectly. if things are awkward or messy, I might be judged. I might not be seen as a good host. maybe we don't have enough plates. maybe we run out of food. maybe the food is a little too spicy. 

I think this all comes down to me being able to manage my emotions and feeling pressure to take care of others' emotions. So it gets trapped as awkward is bad. Awkward is messy. Awkward is so much to handle. Awkward might mean you don’t seem funny. Or cool. Or easygoing. Or know or understand social cues.

I’m excited for 2024 to be the year I embrace awkward. I’m awkward. Your awkward. We're all so damn awkward. It’s human. It’s not right or wrong. It just is. I’d rather be myself and I’d rather my partner be himself and I’d rather you be yourself, than trying to be someone we aren’t for fear of the awkward. 

I invite you to be awkward with me. Maybe we can even say "this feels awkward" and laugh about it later.